Customer Appreciation Day

Dear Crotchety Broad,

While I love my job and think it's the easiest one in the world to have, I do not think dealing with your ass was easy. Here are some highlights from my fabulous time with you:

• When your cashier is ringing up your precious produce, putting the codes in (from memory thank you very much), don't start trash talking her. I didn't hear you ask if I needed help because, well, um, I was busy ringing your shit up. When I look up because I heard something, don't look at me and say, " HELLO??" all sarcastic and shit. I will squish your tomatos, avocados and bread.
• When I ask if you have coupons, that's generally a sign that I am not a mind reader, can't see in your purse and can't predict the future (contrary to what you may think dear customer). As a refresher, here's our coversation:

Loverly Cashier: Did you have any coupons today ma'am? (and that ma'am part may or may not have been choked out of my throat)

Crotchety Broad: I don't know. Do I?

LC: Um, I don't know. Do you? (I used every fiber of my being to remain cordial. The man behind you looked as if HE may hit you. Thank you sir!)

CB: Well you've been standing there all day! Was there anything on a coupon?

LC: There was nothing on the store coupons.

CB: Did everything ring up on sale like it's supposed to? (this one's tricky and I hate answering it because sometimes the system sucks and rings shit up wrong such as....)

LC: As far as I can tell everything did except for the bag of spinach which I changed to the correct price for you.

This is where you argued with me on the sale price. It rang up 2.99, was on sale for 1.99 and you tried to tell me it was 1.29. I had already called produce w/ an earlier customer so I knew it was 1.99. When told of my previous confirmation on your precious spinach, you demanded I change the price. I told you I would call produce to confirm the price (AGAIN) and you declared that you were too busy for this shit and nevermind. Um, ok, am I almost done with your ass? Please?

LC: Your total is (over 100.00)

CB: What? That can't be right! Something's wrong!

LC: Well you did purchase about 75.00 in produce alone ma'am. (I'm shaking at this point: glares from you being a bitch, glares from the guy behind you getting pissed at you and me just being pissed at you)

CB: Fine, whatever. I can't believe we have to bag our own stuff.

I offered to call someone for you but clearly you thought I was going to call in Attila the Hun to do it and you lost your mind saying you would just do. it. yourself.

Thank the good Lord I went on break after the next customer. I was so pissed off that I didn't know if I wanted to scream or cry. I went outside and sat down, told a coworker who was out there that I was calling my husband to vent and I apologize if I offend her with anything I say. She said go for it. Man did I ever. I haven't sworn like that about a customer in so freaking long. It felt great. So, in hindsight, thank you crotchety broad for making me feel alive that day even though I wanted to commit a couple felonies and hang on to the hope that my manager would understand and still let me come back to deal with more uptight, assbackwards fine folks as yourself. I hope you had a craptastic evening as I did. Let's not do this again anytime soon. Thanks.

Your Loverly Cashier

P.S. To the lady who raises Dachsunds? You are more than welcome in my line! Bring one of the doggies next time. Just tuck him in your purse. It's all good.