Please Do Not Bathe In Your Cologne, Thanks

I ask that you think before leaving for a small confined area where others may possibly pass out from the fumes. If I think for a moment that I have too much on (cause we all know the person wearing can't smell it just like a smoker can't smell other smokers usually unless it's been a few days since a smoke, then they want to mug the smoker for one but I digress)I usually ask someone if the smell is too strong. Unless it's Drakaar (YUM-UMM-YUMMY) please back off the spritzer, thanks! Other pieces of advice: If you turned 21 in the last two years, don't get all self rightous and pissed off when I card your ass. Wait til you're 80, then bitch. If you're underage, sit your ass in the car. I don't want to hear the "Oh he's buying it I'm not drinking it" shit. When I say you have 5 minutes before you can't purchase more, that means 300 seconds and not a single one more.

As much as I would like to say that I did this to my child, I cannot take credit. He shooshed himself. Well done son, well done.

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DOODLEBOPS UNMASKED - ALL THREE

Please do not ask me to email photos out, I get entirely too many requests for them. These are the ones that I have at home, thanks to a couple of sources.

Customer Appreciation Day

Dear Crotchety Broad, While I love my job and think it's the easiest one in the world to have, I do not think dealing with your ass was easy. Here are some highlights from my fabulous time with you: When your cashier is ringing up your precious produce, putting the codes in (from memory thank you very much), don't start trash talking her. I didn't hear you ask if I needed help because, well, um, I was busy ringing your shit up. When I look up because I heard something , don't look at me and say, " HELLO??" all sarcastic and shit. I will squish your tomatos, avocados and bread. When I ask if you have coupons, that's generally a sign that I am not a mind reader, can't see in your purse and can't predict the future (contrary to what you may think dear customer). As a refresher, here's our coversation: Loverly Cashier: Did you have any coupons today ma'am? (and that ma'am part may or may not have been choked out of my throat) Crotchety Broa...

She Was Heartbroken

After reading about Kim and Reggie breaking up, the Monkey had a moment of silence to reflect on the love that is no longer there. And then she ate part of the page. Fiber! She needs fiber ya know! She wasn't as into the Saved By The Bell article like her favorite Auntie was (ahem) but she did kiss Zack Morris. No lie. Puckered right on up and layed one on him. He hasn't been the same since.

Wait...What?

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