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Not So Good

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you're the worst mother? Like nothing is going well? Paranoia? Worry? You've failed? No? Well I've had several and I really don't like them. At all.

I love my children more than I could ever possibly express in words or actions. Sometimes I feel I am failing them. Monkey Boy can be such a sweet sweet child and then turn 180 degrees and turn into...I don't know. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm being as patient as I can with him. His aggression is really bothering me. He lashes out at me, his dad and his sister. Not to anyone else though. Not that I want him to. It's just us. I read somewhere years ago that a child will hurt the ones he loves the most because he knows they will love him still. I believe that. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. We've got a doctor's appointment set up for the 14th to recheck the ear infections (they are both recovering well). During that appointment, we've set aside time to discuss his behaviour. I am well aware that a lot of this is a stage that 3 yr olds go through but something else is there. I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I just need help with him. Resources, ideas, suggestions. Maybe on some level I'm looking for reassurances that he's ok, that I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm a good mom. I don't know. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. Just....something.

My biggest fear is that I'm turning paranoid. Paranoid about my life falling apart. Me losing a sense of who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to laugh all the time, have fun, be outgoing. Now I find myself yelling at my son, losing my cool, being resentful, not me. I know being a parent is hard work, I've been there with a lot of my friends, seen what they've been through. I own up to my faults. I let him get away with a lot of stuff early on because he was our only child. Deep down I knew that was not the route to take, I knew we would suffer the consequences and boy are we ever. Peanut is learning to throw tantrums and toys now from her brother. I know I need to nip this in the bud with her and we're working on that. Sometimes, more often lately, I find myself telling my son that I don't want to be near him because he's so mean. He hits me, screams at me and when I try to talk to him calmly I get sass and major attitude. The husband and I never argue in front of him (if we ever argue it's nothing major) and yet the boy acts like this. I just don't get it. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm all over the place. I don't know what to do, what to think. I feel helpless.

When he's being mean and I put him in his naughty spot, he gets that he's in trouble. He doesn't care. I'm terrified that he'll become resentful of Peanut because she gets a lot of attention. She doesn't beat people and scream at them so she's more likely to be playing with us while he's in trouble. I spend as much one on one time with him though. We go out, just he and I and I think he likes that. He always wants Mama to do stuff for him though. Never Daddy or Gima or Papa. He screams if anyone else tries to do something that he wants me to do. Get his juice, help him over the gate to come downstairs, put in Monsters, Inc for the 23rd time. I feel torn. Do I cater to his every need or do I make him do things on his own and suffer the screaming and kicking and whatnot that can last for an hour?

I need to find me again.

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