Is There Any Hope Out There?

That's the question I've been pondering around here for quite some time. Has nothing to do with us getting a house or even a second vehicle. I fear that I am truly becoming a horrible mom. I never in a million years visualized my relationship with my son as it is right now. I know that he's 3, that he's a boy and this is normal. I don't need anyone telling me that right now and to be honest, it would really piss me off to hear it ever again. I have had so many meltdowns in the last two weeks that I am seriously concerned about my mental and physical wellbeing. I don't want to be the mom that has zero patience for anything or is a control freak about everything and yet, there I am.

My son is named after a boy I knew while living in Arizona. This boy, oh how I loved him as my own. His father and I dated for a bit, that didn't work out but his son and daughter were still close to me. When I moved to Wisconsin, his father did not attempt to keep in touch and their grandmother (unbeknownst to me) was sick with cancer and couldn't keep in touch. I found out from a friend of mine down there that this boy, this precious child, died at the hands of his father's girlfriend. She had beaten him over an almost 2 yr period. He was 5 1/2 when he died. My heart felt as if it was ripped from my chest. How I greived and still do to this day for that child. His father was sentenced to 40+ years for knowing what was going on and doing nothing about it. That's just as bad as doing the abuse itself. She was given life in prison and I have to hold myself back from going down there, finding the judge and thanking her profusely. They were allowed to marry each other even though they are doing time in different prisons. That angers me still. I do have a point here. For years, I've never understood how someone could hurt a child, knowing that what they were doing was wrong. Since having children of my own, I can see how someone can get to the line but I still struggle with how that line can be crossed. What I'm saying is that I can see how a parent can get so frustrated that they want to lash out. I just don't get how people can get over that line. That line should never be crossed. Ever.

There are so many times, this last week, where I felt I was losing control of myself. I'm aware enough to pull myself back. Take a timeout. Count to 100 cause 10 just ain't gonna cut it. I have spanked my son. I was spanked as a child. I want to be perfectly clear here: I do not beat my children, never have, never will. I know when I'm getting to my breaking point and I'm able to pull myself out of the situation. Lately though, my emotional outbursts, the screaming, yelling, oh my god. I need help.

Talking with my MIL helps and of course I talk with my husband about it. I'm not sure what's going on. I am sure that I need help. Something is going on in my head to have all of this come about. Several things about my childhood will send me into a depression if I think about them, things that if I get into them now, I will be completely useless for the next 24 hours. I have a spa retreat for most of the day tomorrow, I'm not ruining that.

If anyone has any advice on how to go about finding a good therapist, I would appreciate the help. I need to make sure the husband's insurance will cover this but if not, I have to find some way to do this. I need to get the help and I like to think that wanting to get the help and making an effort to do it is really good. But what do I know? I may be certifiable.