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I'm Still Here

I know I post sporadically as it is but the time span between the last one and this one is rather long. I'm still here. Some of you know what's going on, some of you don't. Here's the lowdown so far.

A few weeks ago we got some unexpected but great news. Yay for us! We talked about how crazy we were to have a third child, how excited we were, how the hell would we be able to get a place of our own with another on the way?, whatever will we name he/she? Actually that last one was pretty easy, we had that figured out in a couple days.

I came home from a normal, regular day at work and noticed I was spotting. Freaked out a little (since I never spotted with the other two), I called my sister in law. She said for a lot of women this is natural and most times things are ok. I had Sunday off (almost never happens but no complaints from me fo sho) and I was still bleeding. I called the doctor's office Monday morning and they cancelled my lab appointment and got me in to see her that afternoon. I had an internal ultrasound done. I don't know about anyone else that's had one of those but yeah, not a good time. The gestational sac was measuring 6weeks 0days. She asked if we were sure about possible conception days and we said we were. It should have been measuring 8weeks 0days but clearly was not. She said that they would have a better idea of what was going on at 6weeks 2days so the plan was to keep an eye on the situation and to call the office if the bleeding got heavier or if I starting having clots. (gross, I know. sorry) I went to work and midway through the shift went to the bathroom and saw a large clot. I went home in hysterics. Called the office the next day. They scheduled me for another ultrasound on Wednesday. Now it's measuring 6weeks 2days but there isn't a fetal heartbeat so we're told we're having a miscarriage. We were speechless.

What did I do? What could we have done to prevent it? Who knows. We talked with the doctor and decided against a DNC and against medication to help it along. We were hanging on the tiniest of hopes that maybe the measurements were off, maybe I was carrying twins and one was lost. We were hanging on to something, anything but a total loss.

I called today to let the doctor know what was going on through the weekend, as she requested I do. The nurse said that she would pass the information to the doctor and would call me back with what she wanted to do. I asked if I should come in for blood work so they could look at the hormone levels and she said to wait and see what the doc said. She called back a little bit later and said the doc wants to do another ultrasound and then discuss a DNC or medication. I told her absolutely not on the DNC or meds. I wasn't going to help this along. If I'm meant to not be pregnant then my body will do what it's supposed to do. I asked why I wasn't being told to come in for labs and she said they need to see if the "product" is still in utero and go from there. I said wouldn't labs do the same thing? My hormone level would be lower meaning the miscarriage is happening right? She said that was correct. I asked why on earth would you have me go through another ultrasound and the talk about options that are not options to us?

I just don't know what to think. We're keeping the appointment for the ultrasound and go from there. They don't think I've miscarried completely because I haven't had the 4-8 hours of heavy duty bleeding but really? Aren't all women different? Who's to say it didn't happen? Who's to say that's what is happening at all? Gah! As of now, we don't know if I've miscarried, if I'm in the middle of miscarrying or if, by some miracle, I'm still pregnant.

Sorry that this was so long and drawn out. I had to get this out of my system and I feel close to a lot of my readers and knew a lot of you would want to know what's going on. Hope for the best for us on Wednesday.

I have to get my daughter and niece out of the bathroom before they are covered from head to toe in Barbie and Hello Kitty band aids.


Steph said…
I am sorry, maybe I am wrong, but there seriously pissing me off with this whole hormone levels thing! Anyways stick to your guns, your being very strong and am proud of you! Oh baby and I will be over tomorrow :)
Anonymous said…
i'm so sorry. zach & me & mom are thinking about you. don't worry about this weekend.. i just didn't realize all this was going on. we can totally hang out another time. if i was there right now i would give you a really long hug!!!!!

Sarah O said…
I am so sorry it took so long to write this, but after the 5 I have gone through this past year, it does not make hearing about anyone you care about's any easier. I am so sorry. I hope you know that everything works out and happens for a reason!

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