One of the downsides to being depressed and not feeling like yourself is that well, you don't feel like yourself. Oh sure, I still feel like a completely incompetent parental unit. That hasn't changed. I feel like I've changed though and I'm not sure it's for the better. Know what I mean?
Another one is that you can't write for shit. Seriously. I think I've started over a dozen posts and I get one paragraph in and I'm done. It blows. There's so much floating around in my head, besides the dust, and I want need have to get it out.
I find myself getting lost in thoughts all the time. Staring off into who knows where. I have these headaches that come and go, almost debilitating. I feel like I'm outside of my body. My brain just takes a vacation sometimes and I'll be damned if I don't come back with a tan. Not one single time.
I laugh it off, the stupidity of it all. The forgetfulness, the space cadet thinking, oh don't worry, it's just me not being me.
Sometimes my insomnia works in my favor. Last night was a good night to have it. I finished season one of Dexter. It was only two episodes but then again, I usually fall asleep during every episode I try to watch at night. Not the best way to watch a show ya know?
Tonight? I don't need the insomnia and yet, here it is.
I really want to have 2010 go smoothly. I want to have a great year. I want my family to be happy, healthy and full of love for each other. I want to be a good mother to my children. I want to be a good wife for my husband. I want my son to be happy, not have the stigma attached to him at school. I want my little girl to grow up knowing that her mama loves her and that Mama's hard on her because her little girl reminds her of herself (gawd, I hope ya'll followed that). I want my baby girl to continue being healthy. I don't care that she can't sit on her own or crawl or scoot. I just want her to keep trucking along like the goose goose she is.
I want to make my husband happy. Hey, don't let your mind go there! Focus! I want to be there for him, mentally, physically, spiritually. I know that I need to change, make self improvements, do this because I want it, not anyone else. I know he loves me for who I am, faults and all. Bless his heart for that. I know how lucky I am to have such a great husband. Do I deserve him? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I do. Does he deserve me? Probably not the mental case that I feel I am right now.
I don't know who I want to be, except a better mom, wife, daughter, friend. I'm talking who I am. Outside of parenting and all that. What the eff? I'm not thinking of offing myself so please don't get the panties in a bundle. It's just been a rough couple weeks in my head. Not a fun place to be.
It's 2am and I can tell you this: I am wide awake, my 'Boys lost today, I'm hungry for that other Culver's double cheeseburger that's calling me from the fridge (I'm on my way burger baby!) and my right boob itches.
As you were.......................