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Even I Can't Handle The Truth

I don't want, nor do I need, anyone's pity. I don't need, nor do I want, anyone's sympathy. I don't need, nor am I wanting, people to judge me. There are very few people in this world who know I what I go through with my son. Sure there are other special needs kids out there, der. There is only one of my son.

I have realized that I cannot do this. Don't tell me that I can. Don't tell me that things will get better. Don't tell me that it's just a bad day. You know what?? I've had a bad day since he was diagnosed. He's not getting better. He's getting worse.

Do you know that I can't leave him in the room with his 6 yr old sister for fear that he will seriously injure her. I know that siblings fight. I get that. I get that big brothers are going to make their little sister's life miserable.

He is awesome when his cousin is here. She has a calming force on him that works wonders. When she comes over, he's all listening and being sort of, kind of polite. Makes me love her even more (if that were possible).

I have a call in to Respite Care this morning. I am having someone come to the house and take him for a couple hours. I never thought in a million years that I would be ok with this. Never did I think I would reach this point. I knew it was out of control when I was throwing up in the bathroom for 30 minutes this morning.

I am getting physically sick worrying about him, stressing about how we're going to survive this. It does no good for me to see that people *do* make it through. It just makes me jealous. Makes me want to say, "Yay. Great for you asshole." Does that make me a shitty person? Being envious of another parent who can do it? I certainly feel like a shithead parent when I am angry at him. It's not his fault this shit is happening. What the hell am I doing getting mad at him? Aren't I the fucking the adult? Why do we lose our shit?

And can I just say......we hold our shit together the best we can. If you want to attempt feeling what we feel, have a kid ask you the same question 19 different ways. To get the same answer every time. The answer they want to hear. Doesn't matter that it's the correct answer or not. It's the answer *he* wants. And when you give him that answer? He will doubt you. Are you sure? Can I have a yes or no? Are you serious, it's yes?? Why can't it be no? Why is it yes? That's not a reason! What the hell Mommy? I am so stupid! Will you just answer the question? What? What Mommy? WHAT??????????

You can be two feet away from him. He will be looking right at you. You say you're welcome to his thank you and he will say what approx 4 - 6 times. Every. Single. Time.

Oh I'm sure it's funny to some people. Oh hahahahahahaha.

I forgot to laugh.

Yes he's cute. Yes I share cute stories of him at work. Yes he's an awesome kid.

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

And sometimes? I want to call the authorities to take him away.

This is one of these days.

Don't judge me. Don't pity me. Don't assume to know anything.


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