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You Are Always On My Mind

I've been thinking so much about Donovan lately. Just as my tagline says, some people make a difference in your life just by walking into it. Donovan sure did. It hurts me still, to this day, that he is gone. What I wouldn't give to see the man he would have been today. He would be 21. I can't even wrap my head around that number right now. Twenty One.

When I met Donovan, I was working at a daycare center and he was in my class. I had the toddlers from when they could walk until they were potty trained. He had big doe eyes that looked right at your soul. You aren't supposed to have favorites, treat them all the same and I did. But boy did I have a favorite and it was him. He was my little man. Always running in for a hug when got there, always sad to go home. When I left the daycare and went back to a retail job, I missed "my kids" so much. Thankfully I was working across the main road from the center so I saw a lot of the kids with their parents at my store.

My first few days at the store were me in a nervous state of mind. I hadn't done retail for over a year and even though I love to talk, I have shyness issues when I first start a job. Especially when it's a job where you have to talk to your customers as you ring them out. Donovan's dad came through my line on my second day. I asked if he found everything ok and he said that if I looked up at my customers I might see a friendly face. I hadn't realized it was him until I looked up. I never looked at my customers my first day and a half. When I saw that it was him, I felt at ease right away. From that day on, I've done my best to look at and really talk to all of my customers (though I admit to faking it sometimes but eh, it's not that often).

We started to hang out, as friends, mainly so I could see the kids because I missed them and lo, they missed me. We would go bowling, to the park, just being with the kids, and him, made me happy. His father and I dated for a few months. I realized there were issues when his birthday came around and his anger came out. Without getting into details, let's just say that I called the family I was living with to see if someone could come get me because he had ripped the phone out of the wall of the hotel room we were at. I was so stupid drunk that I must have passed out and when my friend came to get me, I was nowhere to be found. I hadn't given a room number to them when I called home, just the hotel name. The front desk couldn't tell them what room we were in, privacy issues and all. My friend called the police and the police said they couldn't do anything. I came home the next morning and I felt horrible. I'm not even talking the hangover. I threw up a couple times and I was ok. It was my friends worrying about me all night wondering if I was dead or alive. Wondering why the hell I hadn't called back to say I was ok. I still harbor a lot of guilt for that and I suspect I always will.

Mom and I had a long long talk about the evening and what happened. I voiced my concerns about his drinking and what happens to him when he has too much. I knew I couldn't see him anymore and I also knew, in my heart of hearts, that I wouldn't see the kids as much as I did before.

I'll have to finish this tomorrow. It sometimes feel as if this happened yesterday. So so thankful for the life I have now. So thankful for the friends I had then who are still so special to me today.

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